Gentlemen, the hour is coming nigh. It will be a crisp, sunny Saturday morning and your wife will turn to you and say, “I think we need to do some spring cleaning today.” Fear will strike your heart. An entire Saturday has just vanished before your eyes and you will soon be scouring every dark corner of your home for dust, dirt and particles unknown.
While Lowes & Home Depot TV commercials like to depict spring as a joyous occasion filled with singing, smiling, and Disney-like majesticness (which evidently isn’t a real word, but it should be), the truth is no one truly enjoys the annual spring cleaning of your home. And most of the time, husbands aren’t prepared for this undertaking either. As I looked at various articles about getting your home ready for spring or spring cleaning or whatever, all the lists were void of what is needed for the husbands of the world to be ready for this laborious task
Well, it’s about time you got prepared. No more getting blindsided by spring cleaning. Let’s get our act together as men and face this challenge head on. Here’s our list of things husbands will need for this year’s spring cleaning bonanza:
1. A Full Tank of Gas
Friday night you better have your car filled up and ready to go because on any given Saturday you might be asked to make 14 runs to your local hardware store for supplies, tools, and things that you did not even know existed. 13 of these trips will be unintentional because you thought you could get everything in 1 trip, but you know that’s never the case. Fill up with gas so you’re ready for wherever your spring cleaning travels may take you.
2. A Paid App for Entertainment
Sure you’ve been holding out on spending $5 on that one app or the $20 monthly subscription fee for that sports or music app because you’re trying to be frugal. Spring cleaning is not a time for sensibility. It’s a time for survival. Fork over the $20 for the MLB At Bat app or a subscription to Spotify so you’ll have a new form of entertainment to keep you occupied while you labor away at home. Pop in some earbuds and you’ll soon find that the hours spent sweating in the garage are passing sooner than you expected. Anyone who tells you cleaning a home with your significant other is a time to bond and talk is either delusional or has an unbelievably unique relationship. Ditch the free app. Treat yourself to a paid app.
3. A Shop Vac
If you already have one, you know how useful this. If you don’t, you desperately need one. A shop vac can help make your home’s spring cleaning efforts that much simpler. Whether it’s clearing out the basement or cleaning up the garage, a shop vac is the one piece of machinery that can make it all go smoother. Why? Because it can suck up anything. Leaves, dirt, small rodents, you name it and a good shop vac will take care of it.
4. OpenTable App
What on earth does this have to do with spring cleaning? This my fellow men is the key to a successful spring cleaning day at home. Let’s say you get the dreaded statement that today is the day for a full on cleaning of the house. You can simply say, “Oh really? I was going to surprise you and take you to dinner tonight.” Do you see what you’ve done there? You’ve just set an end time for your spring cleaning schedule. Your loved one won’t want to miss out on a surprise date, and if you mess up anything during spring cleaning this dinner out can act as a make good for your mishaps. Get the OpenTable app on your smartphone so you can secretly make those reservations whenever you get the chance. Now if you have children, that’s opens up a whole new world of problems because you’ll have to deal with babysitters or ruin the romanticism in the offer by bringing them with you. It’s a dangerous game, but you’ll score serious brownie points if you can make it work.
5. Better Hearing
There is a Proverb that states “incline your ear to my sayings” and no statement better exemplifies this next point. No app or tool can help with this, but when spring cleaning arrives at your home you better have your ears cleaned out. You will be told 25 different things you need to do in the span of about 45 seconds. If you forget one of those things, you’re going to be in trouble. If you try and pretend like your forgot one of those things because you really didn’t feel like doing it, you’re going to be in trouble. If you honestly didn’t hear one of those requests because your mind wandered to the NFL Draft status of your favorite, you’re still going to be in trouble. Bring your listening ears home with you at spring cleaning time. If you can somehow listen and accomplish everything being asked of you that weekend, you will earn ultimate man status and truly be the master of your domain.
Good luck this spring gentlemen. Whether it be the garage, the attic or the landscaping in the front of your home, I wish you the best of luck and may your trips to Home Depot be limited.